• Meg

Filling the Void

Updated: Nov 28, 2018

It has been a LONG couple of weeks! I’m going to honest…there have been recent moments where I thought I was going to buy a one-way plane ticket to Timbuktu so I could get a break from the craziness of my minis. I feel like I’ve been consumed in this ‘mindfulness’ world lately with all of the reading and podcast listening I’ve been doing, which has probably prevented me from committing a felony. Our oldest boy has been having tantrums sooo often lately- it’s like I’m walking on eggshells trying to avoid them! And my poor little babe has been gnawing on everything trying to soothe his aching mouth- including my nipples. They have been chewed on and spit out and chewed on again…. is that a line from Eminem’s “Lose Yourself”?

Anyways. It’s been rough. I catch myself thinking about things that I want to buy and sweet treats that I want to shove in my mouth. Anything to bring me comfort and feel like it’s going to be ok. My kids are going to be ok. My nipples will regain feeling again. My child will learn to stop screaming and throwing things when he’s mad. My baby will eventually stop peeing on me. I will start brushing my teeth more often. These are all the things I keep telling myself at the end of the day. With all of the research on mindfulness that I’ve been doing, I’m starting to realize that these thoughts and impulses I’m having are really just ways of filling a void deep within me. I think the void is feeling like a sub par mother. Instead of buying $100 of random shit on amazon tonight I’m going to sit and think about why I want all of this random shit. Do I really need more sippy cups? NOPE. Do I really need more laminating sheets? Debateable. Instead of eating 3 bowls of fruit loops I’m going to think about how consuming a freight train’s worth of sugar will make my gut feel. SIDENOTE: I ate oatmeal tonight for my snack instead of the ol’ fruit loops. Baby steps people- that’s what I’m all about.

I’ve never been much of a shopper but it seems like as soon as mini #2 came into the picture I’ve begun accumulating a lot of unnecessary things. Like sippy cups and baby spoons…how many is too many? The answer is 10 and unfortunately I have surpassed that. Literally it’s like I convince myself that these silly things are going to make parenting easier. Something that I’ve learned is that ‘things’ do not make parenting easier. They make my house more crowded and my children overwhelmed. We are currently living in a Toys R Us warehouse.

So tonight instead of registering for a beauty subscription box, I decided to write down how I’m feeling. I want to make a habit out of acknowledging and understanding the root of those uncomfortable thoughts rather than trying to suppress them.

I just read that last line out loud and that is exactly what I want for my kids too!!! Wow…things are coming full circle here.

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