Updated: Oct 27, 2018
I started this project with a plan. I was going to be very strategic with the launching of this website and fully equipped with the knowledge to help parents who are in a similar boat as I am. I was going to read as many books and listen to as many podcasts as I could get my eager little hands on. I started off researching “best mindfulness books”…. Very strategic I know. So I made a list of all of the books I wanted to read and a timeline of when I was going to be ‘ready’ to share my hub of information. I was going to know anything and everything about mindfulness and be an international source of inspiration for parents. Super successful. Yup I was going to change the world one blog post at a time.
What a load of shit.
A very typical load of shit. You see, I do this to myself NON STOP. I get something in my head and become consumed with the idea until I’ve produced and perfected that ‘something’. This mindfulness project popped into my busy brain as a way to empower and ground my children. But it took all of 2 days to turn it into something I was going to create and perfect and become largely successful from. I realized what I was doing as I flipped through the pages of Brene Brown’s, “Daring Greatly” book. I’ve got so many issues with inadequacy and vulnerability that I can’t handle simply being with each moment. I have to contemplate past moments and plan out future ones.
I’m fully aware that I have anxiety but the shitty part is that even when I have the intention of teaching my children how to cope with their own busyness, I end up getting anxious about doing it the ‘right’ and ‘proven’ way. It’s like I carry around a backpack filled with all my thoughts and worries and tools to make things perfect. If I have it on me all of the time I’ll be ready for anything. I’ll be prepared and confident to deal with the unexpected because I‘ve thought of a solution for every outcome of all of life’s moments. I’m just tipping my toes into the world of mindfulness and already I’ve realized that I need to take the stupid backpack off. I can’t do a lot of things because its so freaking heavy.
So I guess what I’ve learned so far is that it’s not about knowing everything and being prepared for anything. First and foremost it’s about being honest with my intentions to bring greater presence into my life and setting an example for my children.
This photo was taken years ago as I threw my university degree up in the air. It was such a huge relief to be done with that chapter of my life and to let go off the pressure I put on myself to graduate with distinction. Yet, years later, this photo fits so well with how I feel now! I'm ready to throw away the pressure I put on myself to be the 'perfect' mom. Here's to taking off that heavy backpack!